


Kakuzu becomes Hidan’s landlord and Hidan cuts his own head off

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Blood, Decapitation, Deidara - Freeform, Gen, Gore, a dog - Freeform, australian dickheads au, deidaras hand, idk - Freeform, jesus fucking christ what the fuck hidan, kakuzu being a cunt, people are fucking idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 06:22:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13140900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Fifth segment in the series where Hidan and Kakuzu are Australian Dickheads. In this nauseating segment, Deidara burns the unit down and Hidan vows to finish his New Years Resolutions by Christmas.





	Kakuzu becomes Hidan’s landlord and Hidan cuts his own head off

 

After Deidara burned their unit down by doggedly ignoring the health and safety measures required when operating a kiln for a living, he, Sasori and Hidan were now homeless. Hidan’s possessions now included his Jashin pendant, a wallet, phone, a bottle of lynx spray and a USB featuring his favourite thrash metal bands. 

 

Sasori now slept on a couch in his studio surrounded by dead animals, while Deidara slept in a grungy hostel surrounded by mostly drunk German and Irish tourists, because Sasori kicked him out of the studio. On the other hand, Hidan had turned up at Kakuzu’s one day and just would not leave. 

 

Kakuzu had no idea that the unit burned down until he spotted Hidan’s place in ruins on the news website he was reading some four days later, when it was featured at the top next to an advert about gay marriage. 

 

“You look annoyed.” A purple haired woman approached him, holding a crate full of red roses. She put them down outside her shop and crossed her arms under her large bosom, frowning at Kakuzu who had a sour look on his face. “I mean, Kakuzu, more annoyed than usual.” 

 

Konan ran the florist at the local mall which Deidara and Hidan frequently shoplifted at. The only shop they did not shoplift at was Konan’s, because they were -  _ almost  _ \- afraid of her. It was probably because of those black stilettos she wore, which could go through anyone’s foot if she stamped hard enough. 

 

Kakuzu sighed and put his phone away. 

 

“Hidan?” She prompted, showing the barest hint of a smile. He didn’t even need to nod for her to know. 

 

“He’s been scabbing off me again. Turns out his place burned down, and needs somewhere else to live.” 

 

“Why can’t he live with you?” 

 

Kakuzu stared. “...No.” Hidan had been constantly in his face for the last several days and it was extremely irritating. 

 

“Hmm…” Her front teeth fiddled with the labret stud underneath her lower lip, “I guess not. Maybe my husband will be able to sort something out for you.” 

 

***

 

Unfortunately, Hidan also answered Kakuzu’s phone when he left it lying around. Kakuzu was currently in a very bad mood - as Hidan put it, ‘like a boiling kettle that hadn’t let steam out yet’. Presently Kakuzu was making dinner for himself - salmon with chilli, lime and ginger - he was just zesting some lime with a small cheese grater, almost to the point where he could have easily grated his fingernails off when Hidan came banging downstairs, yammering loudly on the phone. He had his hair slicked back, and was dressed head to toe in workout gear with his pendant swinging away. 

 

Kakuzu ignored his conversation with the unknown person until Hidan poked his head around him, took a sniff of Kakuzu’s cooking and dipped his finger in the marinade he had made with honey, crushed garlic and wafer thin ginger. 

 

Kakuzu jabbed at Hidan’s hand with the grater, and Hidan didn’t get out the way in time. The sharp side of the grater split his knuckle open deep enough for bits of muscle to come through but only a few drops of blood came out. It dripped on the tabletop and the skin instantly sealed itself up again, leaving a faint scar behind. 

 

Kakuzu frowned, not quite believing what he saw, and jabbed the cheese grater again just in case he hadn’t grated his hand hard enough, but this time Hidan got out the way. 

 

“Don’t fucking grate me for tasting your food, that hurt.” 

 

“I will grate you for tasting my food, get your own.” Kakuzu  _ almost  _ asked him why his skin was healing at a rapid rate, more than usual, but he was not the sort of person to ask those personal questions - anyway, the only answer he’’d get would just be ‘God’. 

 

Hidan sneered and stuck his tongue out, and went back to talking on the phone, which was when Kakuzu realised he had gotten it from  _ his  _ bedside table, where he had left after he’d gone to have a shower an hour before. 

 

“Who are you talking to?” 

 

“...Yeah, we can come to the fucking inspection tomorrow, hold on-” Hidan glared at him. “I’m on the phone, shut the fuck up, you conjunctivitis creep. It’s some guy named Pain.” Kakuzu made a grab for it, as Pain’s calls were usually important. “Hey, I’m busy!” 

 

Kakuzu had had enough. Hidan had been in his personal space for days and was at the end of his rope, especially now the Christmas period had started and he was working longer hours and had even less time to put up with this shit. He grabbed Hidan’s shirt and slammed him into the wall, hard enough for his skull to crack. The calendar next to his head fell off the wall with a clatter and Hidan cursed loudly. 

 

“Give - me - the - fuck - ing - phone,” Kakuzu growled, smacking Hidan’s head into the wall with each syllable.

 

“Fuck - the - fuck  - off.” 

 

***

 

And that was how Hidan found out that the current tenants in an investment property Kakuzu owned were moving out.

 

Kakuzu had never mentioned his investment property, nor his shares in several companies, or the figure in his bank account to Hidan, ever. Hidan mostly had one sided conversations with Kakuzu about miscellaneous bullshit whilst Kakuzu would muster a grunt and a ‘yes’ when needed in the pauses between Hidan’s proselytising.  

 

“You  _ spend  _ money to make money,” he tried explaining to Hidan to no effect when Hidan asked if he had over a million in his account. It seemed he just couldn’t fathom ever having that much money in the bank.

 

Hidan shook his head, eating a piece of salmon he’d stolen from Kakuzu when he wasn’t looking. “Why make millions... when you can make...  _ billions? _ ” 

 

Kakuzu was putting asparagus spears on his plate for his remaining salmon. The kitchen knife was by his side, in case Hidan said anything else stupid. His hand twitched over it. “Because then I would be expected to give to charity and I do not want that.” 

 

Hidan smirked. “God says that-” 

 

Kakuzu turned quickly and threw the knife at his head. Since Hidan had started mooching off him, it had reached the point where every time he mentioned his stupid fucking religion Kakuzu would retaliate by throwing something or punching him. Hidan only moved slightly to dodge it, and it went through his left ear, as that ear had always had some sort of deep cut in it. 

 

The knife hit the fridge and fell down with a clatter. 

 

“Can I come to your final inspection?” asked Hidan, pretending that nothing had happened.

 

“No.” 

 

“Please?” 

 

“No.” 

 

At this point, the thirteen black cats which followed Hidan everywhere had now appeared on Kakuzu’s windowsill, staring at him as if Hidan had silently requested them to creep Kakuzu out enough to do his bidding. Fourteen pairs of eyes bored into Kakuzu’s head until he muttered  _ fine _ , and left it at that. 

 

Hidan left for work later that evening, taking Taki with him, so Kakuzu finally had the house to himself (minus the thirteen black cats residing in his courtyard). He had  _ almost  _ considered taking up some sort of sporting activity just to get rid of his pent up energy. Not bowls or table tennis like some men in their fifties did, but more along the lines of beating someone up until they died. 

 

He woke up the next day to something flicking his nose. Kakuzu woke up to a five dollar note being waved in his face, which was hooked on a fishing line, and Hidan’s ugly grin in the background. Kakuzu threw him out the window, ruining the flyscreen. it was the second story window, and normal people would have broken a bone, but Hidan literally walked right back in  through the front door. 

 

Kakuzu took Hidan with him in the ute they sometimes used to transport dead bodies. Hidan put the air conditioner on full blast and also opened the passenger window. They were going to the other side of town, where Kakuzu’s investment property was. It was situated in an area where the lawns were neatly manicured and green even in this drought, and purple jacaranda petals flooded the streets and the top of people’s cars. Each property was around a hundred metres apart, with thick gum trees and dry wild grasses in between. Corellas were screaming in flocks up above them. Pain was waiting for them outside the house. 

Pain had become acquainted with Kakuzu a decade ago, when he paid him fifty grand to botch Hanzo the Salamander’s heart transplant. Kakuzu was also one of the groomsmen at Pain and Konan’s wedding, where Konan’s strong cocktails made everyone black out for the night and wake up with no memory of the day before. 

 

Pain, as Hidan described him, was a “Full on ranga who looked like he lost a fight with a piercing gun”. Pain always looked tired, as he also worked on the local council, besides being a dodgy real estate agent who dealt in drug houses. 

 

“Is this your husband, Dr Kakuzu?” 

 

“BAHAHAHA what the fuck? I’m only gay for Jashin-” Pain did not bat an eyelid when Kakuzu whacked Hidan across the head. “Ow! That marriage shit’s illegal, you fuckwit.” 

 

“No,” said Pain, ignoring the fact that this weirdo who turned up with Kakuzu was the sweary religious man on his phone. “It isn’t. They just passed the law for marriage equality in this country.” 

 

“Yeah, I don’t watch the news.” 

 

*** 

 

The house was left in a reasonably clean condition. Hidan made petty remarks (“You can see the bluetack imprint! There’s an ant over there!”).  There were three bedrooms, a bathroom, a large kitchen and living area. Outside was a backyard with several greenhouses, each being the size of Hidan’s own place which was currently being repaired by the insurance people. 

 

Pain’s real name was Yahiko. During an emo phrase, he’d become acquainted with Three Days Grace, and endlessly had the song ‘Pain’ on repeat. Hidan asked him questions about his wife, Konan, whom he actually liked and treated with respect, calling her an Angel at least once or twice in the conversation. Hidan was good at conversing with Pain, who was actually interested in Hidan’s reasons for not dying, and even asked questions about Jashin. He didn’t quite believe Hidan when he claimed he had once jumped off a five story building ‘just because’, until Kakuzu clarified that it indeed happened. 

 

There were extra light switches, low lying lights throughout the house, air vents that were larger than normal  - some of the wall had been cut out, or the walls were bowed in places from heat damage. Pain and Kakuzu glazed their eyes over that and said the house was in reasonable condition. 

 

“So when can I move in?” Hidan asked Pain. Pain shrugged and checked his watch uninterestedly. 

 

“Not my house, I’m just the real estate agent.” 

 

“No.” said Kakuzu. “He’s not moving in.” 

 

“Why not? It’s empty.” Hidan reached into his shorts, took out his wallet, turned it upside down and shook it, as if he was going to bribe Kakuzu with money. However, no coins or notes fell out. 

 

“You will not pay the rent.”  Kakuzu remembered seeing Deidara on several occasions choking Hidan one handed for leaving them hundreds of dollars in arrears from not paying rent.

 

“How about I move in until you get tenants?” 

 

Pain looked at Kakuzu with a weird expression. 

 

“...” 

 

Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose. “Hidan, this is not an ordinary house.” 

 

“It’s got a fucking kitchen, and I could probably take a shit in here somewhere, so it must be an ordinary house.” 

 

*** 

 

Pain gave Hidan a few pointers on how to maintain the house, as Kakuzu had to explain very simply to him that the house was used to grow pot. Pain showed Hidan how to install new carbon filters around the house, and how to tell which cannabis plants were female when the plants started sprouting. The house was empty of plants, but the greenhouses were full.

“This is pretty fucking illegal, what you’re doing,” Hidan said to Kakuzu when Pain had left, giving Hidan around fifty little seedlings from the boot of his Mercedes. 

 

Kakuzu smirked. 

 

“What you fuckin’ smirking at, Cuntuzu?” 

 

“You  say this is illegal, but so is killing people.” 

 

Basically, Hidan had stumbled across a grower’s house which Kakuzu happened to own. Hidan wasn’t too impressed, and said that marijuana helped with suffering and pain but God made everyone feel pain for a reason. But shelter was shelter, and so after a trip to the shop for a blanket and several pillows, he was now living at the house, sleeping on the floor. He then left Kakuzu alone for a week or so. Until he turned up at the bank. 

 

Christmas was coming up and Kakuzu was busy dealing with single mothers crying because he was denying them loans to buy their children the latest video game console. He refused to wear the santa hats given out at work, and objected to tinsel being wrapped around his desk. The rest of the employees at the Commonwealth Bank believed the grumpy old git who never smiled who worked with them must be of a different religion. However, Kakuzu was actually in a better mood because now Hidan was far, far away from him. 

 

***

 

“Kakuzu, your friend is back,” said Sakura, popping her pink head into his office with a cup of sencha tea Kakuzu requested. “The crazy one.” 

 

Kakuzu looked up at her, and exited out of his inbox to focus on having a small break. “Which crazy one?” Either Deidara, Sasori or Hidan could waltz in as they tended to come to Kakuzu’s bank about money issues. There was a clink as Sakura handed the tea over, its heavenly aroma making Kakuzu almost feel calm and relaxed. Almost.

 

“Um,” said Sakura. “He said he killed someone and needs to see you.”

Kakuzu was taking a sip of his hot tea and starting choking, to which Hidan appeared and shoved Sakura out the way as if she didn’t exist. She looked at Kakuzu as if he should be apologising for Hidan, but he did not care. Hidan went over and thumped Kakuzu on the back hard several times, possibly enough to bruise. Some tea slipped out the cup and onto the saucer. 

 

Hidan was wearing a filthy yellow singlet and ripped up grey jeans, and smelled like a combination of smoke and a butcher’s shop. He went and sat on Kakuzu’s desk instead of on the chair. 

 

“Don’t die, my friend. I’m here to pay my rent and bond and to tell you I need to borrow your ute again.” 

 

Kakuzu glared at him for knocking his tea. “Why can’t you do rent over the internet? And no, get rid of the body yourself.”  

 

Hidan’s eyes slid over Kakuzu’s grumpy face and his mouth slowly contorted into his signature creepy smile. Kakuzu felt very irritated as he had been waiting all day to have his cup of tea in peace and now it was ruined. 

 

“So yeah, I killed this guy named Choji, so that means I’ve  _ almost _ completed my New Year’s Resolution... “

 

Hidan handed Kakuzu his phone, which was Kakuzu’s old one anyway, and he squinted through the extremely cracked screen to see the list.  

 

_ Kill Choiji  _

_ Kill myself 5 x times and actually die 1 x time  _

_ Help Deidara burn the unit down  _

_ Gym 5 x times a week  _

 

“So you told Sakura that you killed this Choiji person?” Kakuzu said. “Have you thought about not telling people this?” 

 

“Look, I got a bit lonely in that house… so I thought, why don’t I go after Choji? He can keep me company.” Hidan showed a picture of Choji which was from a Facebook profile picture. Kakuzu looked through the cracked screen to see an obese young man with very long brown hair and a goatee drinking from a workout shake in front of a gym mirror. It reminded him of the greasy fat men he occasionally saw outside McDonalds in the morning.

 

“Who is he?”

 

Hidan screwed up his nose. “Friend of Shikamaru’s. He’s got those gay ass “My Family” stickers on his Hyundai. So he needed to go, obviously. He’s also been like campaigning and shit for justice on the Naras, thinking that they were part of some illegal book business or some shit. According to Other Stupid Fucking Housemate, obviously, cause he's reading the book about them now. He’s just… ugh. He’s SO FUCKING GROSS.”

Hidan then went on to explain that he found a baseball bat on the field he went jogging on the day before, and put nails through it with a hammer he found in the greenhouse. He crept up on Choji while he was waiting for his wife at a secluded park and swung at him. 

 

“Why would you kill Shikamaru’s friend?” 

 

“Because he’s fat.” 

 

“....Right.” Kakuzu glanced at the clock, as he had an appointment at three which meant he could kick Hidan out. 

 

“Have you ever felt fat?” Hidan twiddled his fingers. “It’s like butter. A weird, greasy feeling…” 

 

Kakuzu eyed him. “I used to be a doctor, remember?” 

 

“Oh yeah, I kinda forgot you would poke hearts for a living, considering you don’t have one yourself. So anyway, I have one New Year’s Res left and you’re gonna have to help me with it before the new year, just letting you know.”

“I let you live in that house, I’ve done enough for you,” Kakuzu pointed out. “I have an appointment in the next few minutes, so you can go away now.”

Hidan shrugged, kicking his feet under the desk. His dirty converses skimmed the carpet. “So currently, Choiji is battered up and is at your pot house soaking into the lino floor.”

Now this made Kakuzu look up. “You do realise it’s over 40 degrees today? The body will decompose very fast and the police will be onto it. You can borrow my ute and go and get rid of him. I’m busy.” 

 

Hidan stared. “I dunno how to get to the cemetery. I ain’t good at directions.” 

 

“Okay,” Kakuzu got up, shoved the empty tea cup and saucer into Hidan’s hands. “Meet me here after work.” 

 

***

 

After work, Kakuzu dragged Hidan to the nearest electronics store and forced him to buy a large freezer, explaining to the bored looking employee that their old one had broken down. 

 

“I’m not a cannibal,” Hidan said, when Kakuzu made him pay for it with the little money he had. 

 

Once they were back at the house, Kakuzu went in to find the Jashinist symbol on the lino in the kitchen, candles still flickering away in the heat, and a dead fat man. There were bloody streaks on the ground where Choji had tried to fight Hidan off, and it briefly reminded Kakuzu of snow angels. 

 

They heaved Choiji into the freezer which hadn’t even been plugged in yet, and Hidan threw an IKEA rug over the lino just as Deidara walked in. Kakuzu slammed the freezer lid fast on Hidan’s fingers.

 

“Nice place, yeah,” Deidara said, completely ignoring the seedlings in the corner, and then started unpacking a box that he brought with him. He looked up at the plain walls. “Needs nails in the walls for my art collection.” 

 

“You need permission for nails in the walls.” Kakuzu pointed out. 

 

Deidara looked at Kakuzu uninterestedly and blinked. “Can we put nails in the walls, yeah?” 

 

“No, because you don’t live here.” 

 

“Kakuzu, my friend,” Hidan pressed his hand against a heavy heart. “You need some actual emotions in your life. Say yes to things for once. Don’t be a blunt munt gunt cunt. My poor stupid fucking housemates are homeless and need a place to stay.” 

 

“Emotions? What are those?” Kakuzu decided to humour him. 

 

“Oh ha  _ ha _ . Kakuzu has a sense of humour, what the fuckballs.” 

 

Sasori then came in trailing after Deidara with several large cacti, the spikes brushing the ceiling. He stared at Kakuzu, eyes blinking slowly like a cat’s, and then placed something on the kitchen bench in front of him. It was Deidara’s hand, fully intact, and now living in a jar of formaldehyde. 

 

***

 

On Christmas Day, Kakuzu got up, ate breakfast, walked the dog, fed the dog, read a book, walked the dog again, watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, decided to smoke an entire packet of Players because why the fuck not and had an early night to bed. 

 

Several days later, he had just finished bringing his washing in from the clothesline when he could hear familiar death metal music coming from outside and a screech of his car as it stopped right outside his front house. Kakuzu was surprised Hidan did not crash his car through his lounge window, but it didn’t matter. 

 

Taki went up to the front door, barking and scratching for his favourite person, and Kakuzu opened up the door to find his car parked a mere inch away and Hidan’s head sticking out the driver’s seat window. 

 

“KAKUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU,” Hidan bellowed, over the music, “IT’S CHRISTMAS.” 

 

Kakuzu checked his phone, and no, it was not Christmas. It was December 29th. 

 

“Christmas was four days ago, you idiot.”

 

“But I got you something!” Hidan turned the music down from jet engine-loud to approaching the sound level of a broken muffler. 

 

Kakuzu made an up yours motion behind the flyscreen door and was about to shut it when he heard the noise of an approaching ice cream van chiming up the street. The unvaccinated children who lived next door all ran out the front door screaming, dropping coins everywhere as they raced past Hidan towards the van. Then a lawn mower started up on the other side of his house. 

 

Somewhere nearby, a car alarm went off. 

 

Hidan raised his eyebrows. 

 

Kakuzu rolled his eyes but relented.

 

It felt weird getting into his own car in the passenger seat. Hidan started the car, turned the volume back up and suddenly Kakuzu’s ears felt like they’d been shredded by thrash metal on  _ full blast _ . Hidan reversed the car into a telephone pole and sped off, smirking.

 

“I’ve been extra obedient to God this year. My sacrifices were top notch. Like, five, six heathens? Anyway, so during Christmas, my body heals like fucking fire, ‘cause it’s God’s way of thanking me. Speaking of fire, so like the other day I set myself on fire with the petrol from your car but all I did was burn my clothes off. So Deidara helped, and it still didn’t work. Anyway I thought I was gonna die but I didn’t, and so you’re gonna have to help me complete my New Year’s Resolution before it’s too late. Praise Jashin. Oi, oi, are you listening!?” 

 

Kakuzu didn’t quite understand anything Hidan said, because of the sound of thrash metal was slowly destroying his eardrums and he was wondering if he would have to arrange an appointment next week to get hearing aids from listening to all this senseless screaming and roaring. 

 

“Where are Deidara and Sasori?” Kakuzu asked when they parked up at the house, noticing their bikes were not leaning on the letterbox like they were last time he was here. He noticed there was a large Jashinist symbol spray painted on the garage door. Hidan opened the front door and flyscreen, not having even locked it in the first place. 

 

“Stupid Fucking Housemate and Other Stupid Fucking Housemate have gone to Other Stupid Fucking Housemate’s Grandma’s for Christmas, which is in the middle of motherfucking nowhere. There’s some clay or whatever on the land so Stupid Fucking Housemate has gone along to collect it. Dunno when they’ll be back. Hopefully never.”

“So what am I doing here?” 

 

Hidan then said something about a present, and went into the walk-in wardrobe in the main bedroom. He knocked over several boxes of fireworks and pulled out an extremely large object. 

 

“This is your present.” 

 

It was an actual guillotine, an apparatus made from wood and metal which Kakuzu had only seen in documentaries such as on the Reign of Terror on SBS Viceland. 

 

“So you can kill me.” 

 

No. 

 

“No, no no no and no.” said Kakuzu, barely believing what was in front of his eyes. The guillotine was tall enough to skim the ceiling. Hidan was serious. Of all the crazy shit he did, he actually wanted to properly kill himself? Kakuzu was actually stunned.

“...Do you have the receipt so I can take this back?” asked Kakuzu. 

 

“Yes, but you have to chop my head off first.” said Hidan. 

 

“What if I don’t want to?”

 

“Pur-lease, like you’ve never fantasised about chopping my head off.” 

 

It was true that Kakuzu had fantasised about never seeing Hidan ever again and killing him till he was dead as a doornail, but this was a situation even he was feeling uncomfortable with.. 

Kakuzu saw the receipt tag was still on the guillotine, and he made a grab for it. “Oh no you don’t!” Hidan grabbed it first, snapping the zip tie which held the receipt in two, and dashed into the ensuite. Kakuzu went after him just as he saw Hidan drop the receipt down the toilet and flush it. 

 

“I wish to die, but it ain’t gonna fucking happen. I gotta do something, ya know!” 

 

“Nothing happens when you die.”  

 

“Excuse me,” Hidan sounded offended. He scowled, his right eye twitching.

 

“Don’t  _ fucking _ start on me. I am  _ not  _ going to jail for chopping your fucking head off.” 

 

“IT’S MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION!” Hidan was starting to get agitated. When Hidan got agitated, he got reckless. And upset. His face was going red as the stare-off between them lasted several seconds, until he blinked, looked once at the floor, and shoved his way past Kakuzu hard, whose head banged into the bathroom door. He dropped to his knees on the tiles. 

 

“Bye, bitch.” 

 

There was a swaying sound, and a thunk, and Kakuzu felt a warm rush of blood go past his arm as Hidan had put his head through the guillotine and pulled the lever. Kakuzu shouted out loud, not knowing what the hell was going on. 

 

Hidan  _ actually  _ cut his head off. Kakuzu’s mind was going  _ what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck HE CUT HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF,  _ when he heard a voice and actually turned around to look properly at the mess in front of him-

 

“OW! THAT HURT!” 

 

Hidan’s limp body lay on one side of the guillotine, spurting blood several feet in the air onto the walls and carpet. The walls were now red and according to Kakuzu’s mental calculations, within thirty seconds he had lost maybe a half litre of blood through the neck at a rapid rate. Kakuzu took one step forward, his shoe sinking a centimetre into the carpet which was now soaked.

 

Leaning down, he grabbed Hidan’s head by the hair and held it high enough that they were face to face. 

 

“You didn’t think this through, didn’t you?” 

 

“Fuck no! It fucking hurts!” Hidan’s eyes looked up at Kakuzu, looking even more pissed off than usual. Kakuzu’s eyes were wide and mouth was slightly open, which looked rather different to his usual grumpy facial expression. Hidan sighed, and strained his eyeballs to the left. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck. FUCK. Come on body, come back to me...” Kakuzu looked down at the body and expected it to wriggle in response but it was limp and not responding. 

How was Kakuzu going to explain this? He ignored the rest of Hidan’s ranting and stared at the neck wound on the floor which was still pumping out blood. Some spots had even got on the ceiling. He didn’t know what to say. 

 

“It’s your own fucking fault, you shouldn’t have brought a guillotine.” said Kakuzu. He had an inkling he knew who exactly Hidan had got it from, a certain real estate agent with a penchant for  dodgy deals. 

 

“Fuck you!” 

 

“And you got blood on the carpet, that’s coming out of your bond money.” 

 

Kakuzu could not turn up to the emergency room with a talking head and a corpse. Even though the head wouldn’t shut up. “What am I supposed to fucking do with you?” The head was now rambling on about the things it now couldn’t do, effectively disabled until further notice. 

 

“You used to be a fucking doctor, do something! CPR or something on my body, maybe!? Get my heart restarted so I can move??” 

 

Kakuzu put the head on the floor, and moved the body away from the guillotine. He pulled it over into the recovery position, but then realised that would do no good with fluid in the lungs. He put it on its back and was about to do one pump for CPR when he felt it was still beating. 

 

“Ka-ku-zu,” said Hidan thickly, and Kakuzu realised he had placed the head in the path of the blood which was still streaming out. He pulled it out of the way, as Hidan’s eyes squinted and his mouth sputtered. Kakuzu put the head facing up so Hidan could look up at the ceiling while he tried to figure out what to do. 

 

In normal circumstances Hidan would be declared dead from exsanguination, and if not, there were always textbooks which helped identify less obvious causes, but this was a problem that literally had never happened before. Not even Google would be able to help. But then Kakuzu had an idea. 

 

Kakuzu didn’t have any nylon thread on him, nor did Hidan or his housemates own a first aid kit, so he sat his phone in front of Hidan to entertain him for a while and got into the car, and went to the nearest Spotlight and got some thread and a needle as fast as possible. He ignored the employees staring at the large bloodstain on his shirt and drove well over the speed limit back to Hidan. 

 

By that time he came back the blood was now seeping from the bedroom into the hallway as a result of Hidan’s heart still beating, and Hidan was tsking loudly in front of a Youtube video on Top 25 Banned Religions of All Time. The blood around the neck of the corpse was now gently frothing, bubbles forming in it like a hot bath. 

 

Kakuzu sat on the floor and took his glasses out so he could put the thread through the needle. 

 

“YOU'RE SO SLOW, KAKUZU! WERE YOU MAKING THAT GODDAMN THREAD BY HAND!?”

 

Kakuzu looked at the head with such a seething glare it promptly stopped yelling. “Next time you are a fucking idiot I will use the guillotine and kick your head into a grave where you will never, ever get out.”

“Fucking whatever.” 

 

“You’re going to have to clean this up before Sasori and Deidara get back.” Kakuzu pulled the body near to him by the shirt and jammed Hidan’s head awkwardly onto his neck, squishing it down like a cushion. “Stop whining while I sort this out.” 

 

Kakuzu was fast and efficient at stitches. Hidan whined and groaned, mumbling about how much it fucking hurt. Kakuzu had to even recheck he was stitching the head on the right way. 

 

About halfway through the stitching, Hidan’s face brightened up. 

 

“I can feel my fingers!” 

 

“Don’t move so much.” In silence, Kakuzu worked as if he was a pathologist, stitching up a dead body, jamming the needle in and out until doing a small little bow tie at the nape of Hidan’s neck. Slowly, Hidan moved his fingers and feet, and both of them stood up, Hidan almost falling down again from lack of blood to his brain. 

 

“Never, ever do that again,” said Kakuzu. 

 

Hidan grinned sheepishly. “Sorry about that.” 

 

“Hmm,” said Kakuzu, nodding at the state of the room in front of them. The carpet was completely soaked, along with the stains on the wall and even the light fixture. 

 

After a brief moment of stunned silence, Hidan said, “Yeah… I better clean that up.” 

 

They moved the guillotine away, and started to gather towels when there were loud noises coming from outside. Hidan peeked through a curtain. “FUCK! STUPID FUCKING HOUSEMATES ARE HOME!” 

 

The black cats were outside the window again, and watched with interest as Kakuzu ran to the linen closet to try and find as many towels as possible. He could see Deidara and Sasori slowly getting off their bikes, talking, and checking the letterbox for the latest Aldi catalogue and leisurely making their way up the driveway. Hidan jumped up and down on the towels trying to soak up as much as possible. He rushed into the hallway and into the living room, and pushed all the towels in the freezer over Choji’s frozen body. 

 

“Shit shit shit!” He got the lynx bottle out and sprayed until Kakuzu started coughing. 

 

The door opened and Deidara’s face appeared. He looked down the hallway which was stained with blood, then back at Kakuzu and Hidan, who both looked like they’d been swimming in it. 

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

Deidara sniffed. “Smells like a girls bathroom in here.” 

 

Kakuzu looked at Hidan. “...Lamb sacrifice.” 

 

“Oh. Yeah can you not like, do that? Some of us have to live here, yeah?” Deidara opened the door fully with his shoulder and put a box of clay down. 

 

“...Yeah, whatever.” 

 

Deidara disappeared to go and get more things with Sasori, and Kakuzu looked over at Hidan. 

 

“You’ve learnt your lesson.”

 

“And what’s that?”

 

“Don’t cut your head off.” 

 

“Yeah… Hidan paused. “Kakuzu,” he said, suddenly serious. 

 

“What?” 

 

“I’m gonna need that receipt.” 

  
  


END 


End file.
